I “woke up” in my mid-thirties to the realization that my parents’ troubles were not the source of my problems. If not them, then who…? rattled around my mind for a very short time until I came to the inescapable conclusion that the choices I had made were creating the life I struggled with.

I lived in San Francisco then, a generation too late to find my mother there. She was not far away in miles but thirty-five years beyond the mom I missed when she left just before my second birthday.

My body was just able to function but no longer able to earn a living. I had picked up a virus during the New Year’s holiday of 1980. At that time, I knew only that I got sick easily, recovered slowly, and doctors found nothing wrong with me. I wound up in San Fransciso’s progressive mental health safety net. If nothing is wrong with his body, then it must be in his head, I was told in roundabout ways. I was invited to check in to St. Francis’ Hospital psychosomatic ward for two weeks. At the end of that experience no explanation was found for my viral episodes. This was the first step in a two-year journey through a crisis center, halfway house, long-term residential treatment program, a thirty-day water fast, and an emergency trip to the ER because I screwed up and let my electrolytes sink to the near-fatal range.

I recovered quickly even though I was fed nutritionally lacking hospital food. Regaining enough strength to try life again on my own, I headed to Harpin Hotsprings in Northern California for the summer.

My realization about the impact of my choices came, in part, from two years of sessions with Christine, a remarkable therapist. I do not know all of the causes of my current life that come from past choices, but do make allowances for their existence.

What happens when we ignore Karma? When I look around, it’s almost all I see. “Why me?” “I don’t need this.” “What did I do to deserve this?” This last example could lead to some meaningful realizations were it not offered rhetorically.

In my books, I try to weave inner spiritual realizations, like I am the sum of all my past choices through everyday life. Some situations are more dramatic than others. I will post here at least every two weeks. I invite your thoughts and comments as I get underway.

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